Adulthood : Changes

One of the biggest part of adulting is dealing with changes.

And personally I hate changes never been good with them, always makes me anxious and sad. Can never figure out why change is so vital.

The biggest change right now in my life right now is my elder sister getting married and moving away. 21 years of my life have been with her and now dealing with nearly everything alone. Its difficult when you always had someone to be there next to you, through family battles, through personal struggles. Doesn’t matter how much you prepare yourself to be like, I know the persons leaving and I will be fine, but you never really are.

Denial was always a way of coping up for me, like out of sight, out of mind mentality. But just realized how the denial is now racing with me to make itself known, that oh guess what? what you are trying to avoid is not really going anywhere and its time to face it.

So, coming back to my sister leaving, its been 4months and 2 days without her. I know she's here and we can talk and we always are, but the presence, the immediate attention is not the same.

Initially I just told myself she's on a vacation she will be back, she will be back. But now the problem is, I am feeling this huge baggage on me, to be her really like you know, take the responsibilities she did and figure everything out.

The baggage is getting heavier everyday, or I am pushing myself to just be like figure this shit out. Be there for your dog, be there for your parents, be there , do this, do that.

So its all become very overwhelming and somewhere I have to figure out that its okay she's not here but that doesn't mean you put so much pressure on yourself and you have to accept it, because the more you deny , the harder it is to face it, it becomes really a habit to avoid those feelings, but really they are eating you inside.

So, my piece of advice for fucking change is, take your time but work it out, because change waits for no man, things will keep changing regardless of you avoiding it, denying it or facing it.

Start facing it slowly, start taking it on, see how it feels, let yourself feel those emotions, but don't be taken by them. Stay strong because there’s so many changes ahead you have to deal with.